What will you remember?
It’s also important because it’s terribly difficult to try to enforce something when you’re the only one doing it. Telling your child they aren’t allowed to have a smartphone when every single kid in their class already has one sucks. But it sounds like more of us are starting to see the light.
I’ve been encouraged by the videos of teachers talking about how locked in and fully present their students are without the distraction of their phones.
I saw a video of famous singer Ed Sheeran, who said he had a phone from the time he was about 15. He kept the same number and probably had around 10,000 contacts once he became well-known. He talked about trying to have a conversation with someone and feeling his phone go off. His concentration was instantly gone because he kept wondering who had just texted or called or whatever. He says that once he looked and saw who it was, he was able to focus on the current conversation with whoever he was with.
He became irritated with apps that demanded his attention whenever they decided to notify him. So he got rid of the phone and got an iPad. Now he sends emails once a week, and he checks them “whenever the f@#$ I decide to. I’m not interrupted when I’m out for dinner with my wife or my dad or whomever.”
Being in charge of your technology seems brilliant to me.
The end of summer is always hard on me. I have such great memories of summer as a kid that when school starts again, I always get this sad, homesick feeling inside (it was worse when I had to go back to work as a teacher).
But what about…
It makes me wonder about all the kids who have spent a ton of time on their phones during the summer months. What are they going to remember about their summer? Maybe the comparison game we all play when on our phones - oh, how I wish I looked that cute in a swimsuit, or they go on so many trips, why can’t that be my life, or if my backyard looked like that, I’d spend my whole summer back there.
When I was a kid, my sister and I knew there was about a three-block radius where we could freely roam with the blessings of our parents. We would meet up with our neighborhood friends and make up games to play until it got dark, when Mom or Dad would holler that it was time to come in.
I’d be willing to bet I could say “Dracula” to our neighbors at that time - Jeff, Trina, Grant, and Claire - and they’d know exactly what I was referring to and how to play it.
I’ll admit, though, that we lived in a town of around 2,100 people at that time, and it felt like we knew all of them. Not a place where too many scary things happen, although I know there’s potential in every single town, big or little.
But back to today
After getting the book The Anxious Generation, I also signed up for emails about updates with kids, and parents, and their technology by Joining the Movement. You can sign up here, at the bottom of the page. My kids are adults, but I worry about our grandchildren and, honestly, just kids in general.
The email I got today includes a poll in which they asked more than 500 kids ages 8 - 12, how would you rather spend time with friends? Almost three-quarters said, “I would spend less time online if there were more friends in my neighborhood to play with in person.”
When asked how they’d prefer to spend their time, in-person free play came in at 45%, while in-person organized activity earned 30%, and online activity brought up the rear with 25%.
Kids are telling us that they don’t want to spend so much time on screens, but we’re not listening.
I will admit that the first school I taught in that tried to limit phone use, I resisted. I was teaching Information Technology and English, and we did pretty cool stuff with our phones. Looking back, I would say that there were only a couple of activities we needed the phones for, everything else we could do on a laptop.
Tightening up with phones came up every single year after that, and I began to see I had been wrong. One school said phones were okay in the passing periods, but we shouldn’t see them out during class. The problem with this is that kids kept them in their pockets and could feel them vibrate. I know adults have trouble not looking at their phones when they know there’s a notification; how do we expect kids to resist? Kids solved this problem by asking to go to the bathroom. What teacher is going to deny that? Certainly not me.
Jonathan Haidt goes on in the email I received to say that:
37 states have passed policies regulating phone use in K-12 schools — 19 of which have implemented our model bell-to-bell policy.
74% of U.S. adults now support banning phone use during class, up from 68% last year.
The fact that adults are now supporting banning phone use is important because shortly after teachers were hailed as heroes during Covid, they quickly became the bad guys of the world. Parental support of their kid’s teachers plummeted, and it was hard to deal with kids' poor behavior because there was no support from home. I hope it’s not still that way.
It’s also important because it’s terribly difficult to try to enforce something when you’re the only one doing it. Telling your child they aren’t allowed to have a smartphone when every single kid in their class already has one sucks. But it sounds like more of us are starting to see the light.
I’ve been encouraged by the videos of teachers talking about how locked in and fully present their students are without the distraction of their phones.
I saw a video of famous singer Ed Sheeran, who said he had a phone from the time he was about 15. He kept the same number and probably had around 10,000 contacts once he became well-known. He talked about trying to have a conversation with someone and feeling his phone go off. His concentration was instantly gone because he kept wondering who had just texted or called or whatever. He says that once he looked and saw who it was, he was able to focus on the current conversation with whoever he was with.
He became irritated with apps that demanded his attention whenever they decided to notify him. So he got rid of the phone and got an iPad. Now he sends emails once a week, and he checks them “whenever the f@#$ I decide to. I’m not interrupted when I’m out for dinner with my wife or my dad or whomever.”
Being in charge of your technology seems brilliant to me.
It’s so difficult
But, just like handing your child a giant chocolate bar and telling them they should only eat one square, self-regulation doesn’t come easy. That kid is probably going to end up eating the whole thing, and to be honest, I would too.
One way to help kids find other things to do is the Free Play Friday Challenge. It’s a challenge to families, and I would add that everyone try it, to spend one hour each Friday without screens and let kids lead the way. It helps develop confidence and creativity. You can check out the Let Grow Toolkit with ideas, right here.
It truly will take everyone to make the changes we need to make with our phones. I am encouraged by the number of children living one block away from me who certainly spend at least one hour, probably more, each week outside riding bikes, running through sprinklers, playing basketball, and building snowmen.
We just need to find ways to encourage more people to do the same.
Let’s Jump Together
If you’re not willing to take on the crazy idea, God may move on to the next person and offer the idea to them. How sad to see your idea out in the world, knowing you had a chance to run with it and decided an evening on the couch scrolling was exactly what you needed instead.
I know I’ve had some nudges that I’ve done nothing about. I’m fairly certain God dropped a couple of ideas for inventions in my lap, but I’ve never acted on them. I like to tell myself it’s because I don’t know how to go about creating them. But I know that’s a copout.
After days and days of giving yourself a bit of time away from screens, you’ve finally heard your authentic voice. Yay! But what you heard just isn’t going to work for you. I mean, it’s a cool idea, but it’s nothing you would ACTUALLY do. Right?
The voice suggested you open a store, write a book, share and sell some of the paintings you’ve been secretly working on, make moves to bring your invention into reality, go back to school, or start a food truck. By the way, my authentic voice would never suggest I start a food truck because she’s seen me in the kitchen. She knows we eat to survive around here. No frills involved.
What the voice is suggesting is absolutely ridiculous. There’s no way you could ever do that, right?
I will tell you that listening to that voice and following the voice’s advice are two incredibly different things. Once you start listening (you should quit teaching), it leads to doing (now let’s start writing for a living), and pretty soon you’ll find yourself pushed out of your comfort zone on a regular basis (now let’s start a blog for the world to see and what the heck, maybe create a couple TikTok videos while we’re at it).
The voice is probably suggesting something that scares the crap out of you. You’re right, there’s a chance that people will laugh or make fun of you. That used to bother me, until I realized those are the people who are absolutely never, ever, ever going to step out of their comfort zone. They’re judging others so loudly that their authentic voice never has a chance to be heard. And that’s okay for them, but not for us.
Your authentic voice is going to keep poking and prodding you until you start to imagine what life might be like if you follow the advice. One day, you’ll wake up and the idea doesn’t seem so crazy anymore. You’ll also become aware that your fear of being made fun of isn’t as great as your desire to follow the thought of what if.
You really gonna ignore that?
I want to caution you, though, about what happens if you decide NOT to follow your authentic voice. I believe my authentic voice is directly connected to God. That voice is simply a push from Him, encouraging me to do what he actually put me on this planet to do. But I’ve often wondered what happens to those ideas you decide to pass on.
Reading my Simple Abundance book this week has confirmed what I suspected. An excerpt:
“Sorry, find someone else.”
And Spirit will.
To be fair, sometimes we don’t literally use those words. Sometimes we say, “Sorry, I just can’t get my act together right now. Come back later.”
So the Great Creator moves on until a willing artist with an open heart offers to become the creative conduit.
What???
If you’re not willing to take on the crazy idea, God may move on to the next person and offer the idea to them. How sad to see your idea out in the world, knowing you had a chance to run with it and decided an evening on the couch scrolling was exactly what you needed instead.
I know I’ve had some nudges that I’ve done nothing about. I’m fairly certain God dropped a couple of ideas for inventions in my lap, but I’ve never acted on them. I like to tell myself it’s because I don’t know how to go about creating them. But I know that’s a copout.
When you decide to follow through on something you’ve been gently pushed to do, it’s amazing how things start to fall into place to help you. You may randomly overhear a conversation while waiting for your morning coffee, or you might see a book title pop up on a commercial that could hold the answers you need.
One last push
I haven’t convinced you yet? Here’s a bit more encouragement from my very well-worn Simple Abundance book. This is a quote from William Hutchinson Murray, the deputy leader of the Scottish Himalayan expedition team that scaled Mount Everest in 1951:
“Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.”
I guess if I’m pushing you to follow your authentic voice, then I have to follow mine too. Looks like I have a book to write.
We Can All be Life-Long Learners
I recognize so much of what he describes in his book. We had several issues at different times with our five children and their phones. A couple of them spent their entire teenage years walking around depressed, sad, and absolutely glum. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go back and fix all the mistakes we made as parents back then.
But the great thing is that when we know better, we must do better. I understand now where we went wrong. Phones should never be given to kids. As much as they’re going to enjoy it, there have to be limits. Phones are able to change kids’ brains. Read that again: the phones can change their brains!
I put together and presented a program last night to a group I’m in, and got to thinking that it might be beneficial to others, too. You all, as readers, could also make a difference, so here goes.
The program
When I was teaching high school English, the teachers at my school were encouraged by one of the speakers who came to fire us up before another school year to do some sort of daily check-in with our students. She mentioned something about how teens’ mental health was declining (this was even before Covid hit), and checking in often seemed like a good way to keep tabs on our kids.
Checking in became Circle Time in my classroom, and looked like this: we all sat in a circle on the floor, no phones allowed in the circle (because they were allowed in my school at that time) so we could respectfully listen to each other, and I began by asking them to give me a thumbs up, thumbs down, or sideways thumb showing me how they were feeling that day.
I’d ask for volunteers to explain why their thumb was in a certain position. If people didn’t want to speak up, they didn’t have to.
Circle Time - the seniors thought it was great that we were doing something they had first done in kindergarten - became more than a way for me to check in. The bonds between us grew tighter and stronger. The kids, who were freshmen through seniors, knew they could tell me almost anything and it would stay between us, unless I thought it was something that would put them in danger. It was just good, honest conversation between a bunch of people who trusted each other.
Each class got to do Circle Time about once a week, and the kids got pretty testy if there was a week when we didn’t have time to fit it in. Almost every single week, our conversation turned to our phones.
After listening and advising and empathizing with my students year in and year out, the one common denominator, said in so many different ways, emerged as, “I don’t want to be a prisoner to my phone, but if I’m not on every single app, I’ll miss out and won’t be popular.”
How sad is that?
A name you should know
During this part of my presentation last night, I paused and said I needed to show them a short video. It’s a conversation with Jonathan Haidt, a college professor and social psychologist. He’s responding to a caller’s question about how to get their child off their phone. In his response, he first explains slow dopamine and explains that we want our kids to have this. He says that slow dopamine is what happens when we practice and practice and practice a basketball layup, and when we do it correctly, we get a shot of dopamine throughout our system, it makes us feel good, and we want to do it again.
He explained that the tech companies figured out a way to hack dopamine so that the kids experience fast dopamine. All they have to do is like or swipe something, and they get a hit of quick dopamine, which is really bad for them because it changes their brain. Dopamine isn’t such a big deal then because it comes so easily.
But, he goes on to say that, much like an addict, if you take the kid’s phone away, after three or four weeks, their brain goes back to normal. Because honestly, the kids are addicts. Aren’t we all addicted to our phones?
This is what we’ve done by handing over our screens to our babies and grandbabies, and letting them get hooked on the technology. It IS a great pacifier. We know it works because you can watch a wild child stop everything that they’re doing and just become a zombie staring at the phone/iPad/laptop screen.
I remember when our family was much younger and we’d take our three youngest kids out to eat. They didn’t have phones at the time, and they were obnoxious, squealing and laughing, poking at each other, and having a blast.
Excuse me?
My husband would always get fed up and announce that this was the last time we were ever going out to eat again. Then I would look at him with one eyebrow raised and shake my head no because he was wrong. In order for me to get out of cooking every single night for the rest of my life, 24/7, until I die, we would continue going out to eat every now and then, regardless of how the children behaved.
But today, if you look around a restaurant, you’ll notice children are not sprinting between tables, laughing with each other, or squealing in delight. They’re on the screens their parents gave them. Sad.
I introduced a book to my group and mentioned that they’re lucky I’m only about 20 pages in, or my presentation would be much longer. The book had been recommended to me, and I wanted to recommend it to them. It’s called The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. Its subtitle is How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness and he’s right.
He talks about how parents became afraid of giving their kids too much freedom, because someone could snatch them up. It’s a valid worry. When phones came along, parents could offer one to their child, and they’d stay inside, right under their parents’ noses. But as the parents were limiting their outside freedoms, they unknowingly were giving them free rein in a digital world that allows kids to go where they might not be ready to venture.
Did you know that to get into many porn sites, all you have to do is check a box that says you’re 18?
I recognize so much of what he describes in his book. We had several issues at different times with our five children and their phones. A couple of them spent their entire teenage years walking around depressed, sad, and absolutely glum. What I wouldn’t give to be able to go back and fix all the mistakes we made as parents back then.
But the great thing is that when we know better, we must do better. I understand now where we went wrong. Phones should never be given to kids. As much as they’re going to enjoy it, there have to be limits. Phones are able to change kids’ brains. Read that again: the phones can change their brains!
Even as adults, we don’t know when to put our damn phones down. How can we possibly expect kids to do it without being told to?
It’s a scary world. We, as a society, have made huge mistakes. But I believe that we’re on the right path to correcting some of them. All you readers are influencers of your own families. You can make a difference just by having a conversation. Or you can jump in with both feet and help Jonathan Haidt change the world. If you’re going to be on your phone anyway (and you know we all are), give him a follow on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube.
How’d You Do?
I read something this morning in my Simple Abundance book that really hit home for me. “There’s a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all time this expression is unique,” modern dancer Martha Graham advises us. “And if you block it, it will NEVER exist through any other medium and will be lost.”
Today’s blog entry marks FIVE months of creating a new post each week. I’ve tried creating a blog at least twice before, and each time, I gave up after just a few entries. This time had to be different, or I would fail again. I must’ve learned something from those first couple attempts because I’m still here. I’m proud of myself!
F.A.I.L.
Maybe you’ve heard the acronym of fail? It’s the First Attempt In Learning. I would have to agree, as far as blogging is concerned.
However, remember last week I challenged you to try to stay off screens for a measly ten minutes each day? I failed. Out of seven days, I completed two. What have I learned? That I need to try harder.
Not being able to follow through on my own challenge has me wondering about it. What is so hard about walking away from screens for ten minutes?
Partially, it’s that my jobs revolve around screens. I’m on a computer about 75% of the day. Even when I’m not working, I’m often on my laptop.
The goal of the challenge was to get us away from screens and focus on our authentic voice. It’s difficult to do because that other nagging voice is often so much louder than the voice we should be listening to. I believe the way to get your authenticity to come forward is to focus on gratitude.
I’m going to be more intentional this week about my free time.
One of those days last week, my authentic voice spoke up loud and clear. Most of the time, when I take a shower, I have music playing and I’m either whistling or attempting to sing. One day, when I wasn’t rushed, I heard my authentic voice telling me to make a TikTok telling people about the no-screens challenge.
My initial response was to push that idea aside.
That’s ridiculous. Aren’t only kids on TikTok? Who’s going to watch me talk about a silly challenge I made up?
Guess which voice that was? Yes - the nagging one that doesn’t want me to try anything new because new is scary and uncomfortable and people might make fun of me.
I recognized which voice was which and decided, what the heck? Maybe I could create a TikTok and get 100 people to watch it. If even 50 of those people took on the challenge, that’s 50 more people listening to their authentic voices and attempting to do what they were put on this earth to do. How cool is that?
Just a Smidge Over That
As of this moment, 861 people have watched at least part of my TikTok. Woohoo! Not one of them has made fun of me. One person I don’t even know saved it in their ‘Favorites’ folder. That’s the power of your authentic voice.
I read something this morning in my Simple Abundance book that really hit home for me. “There’s a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening, that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all time this expression is unique,” modern dancer Martha Graham advises us. “And if you block it, it will NEVER exist through any other medium and will be lost.”
Don’t let what you were put on this planet to do be lost. Give your authentic voice the chance to come out and push you into something that’s probably not within your comfort zone. At the very least, you’ll be growing. It’s scary as hell, but I think you’ll find that once you get a taste, or a glimpse, of the person you could become, you’ll continue chasing them down.
The Actual Issue Might be You
Breathnach suggests that “perhaps we don’t hear the whispers of authentic longing because we don’t want to hear.” Yes, because listening might mean that we set our phone down and we pick up the paintbrush, pen, spatula, or any other item that leads to a creative activity.
She continues by asking what would happen if we were simply honest with ourselves? If we stopped the excuses and quit putting things off until the kids are back in school, we have more money, and our phones aren’t quite as interesting.
She suggests learning to say to yourself, “I haven’t learned yet how to put myself on the list of priorities.” Note that she isn’t suggesting you put yourself first (Heaven forbid!), just get yourself on the list.
If you’ve been reading my blog regularly, you’ve probably figured out that my goal is to help you live a more authentic life. But let’s go ahead and address the elephant in the room, shall we? If you have a smartphone - and who doesn’t - you don’t actually have time to discover your authenticity.
I wrote ‘smartphone’, but what I really mean is any form of technology that you use on your own. It could be your tablet or iPad, your phone, a laptop, your smartwatch, or a desktop computer. Anything that takes you away from what’s going on around you and puts you into your own little technological world.
I’m not above this. As a matter of fact, I currently have a war going on inside myself about this. I hear every one of my excuses.
“It’s the way I relax.”
“I’ll just get on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, LinkedIn, or TikTok for a minute.”
“How am I going to know what’s going on if I don’t spend time on social media?”
I’m sure you have your own excuses, and maybe you even still believe them.
Embarrassed to admit this
The sad truth is that the way my husband and I spend our evenings, each in our own little world with a screen in our hands as well as a larger, mostly ignored screen playing on the wall, has become the norm in each of our families.
I tell myself that because I run over to him every now and then to share a video, that we’re spending quality time together. But we’re not.
Your authentic self is screaming at you to pay attention to the voice inside your head, and you’re ignoring it with screens, among other things.
In the book Simple Abundance, Sarah Ban Breathnach talks about the fact that we often don’t set aside any time, just for ourselves. If you have a job, a family to feed, clothes to wash, friends to entertain, a dishwasher to unload, or floors that need vacuuming, you most likely believe that all those things should come before you spend any time on yourself.
Becoming who you’re actually supposed to be gets pushed to the bottom of the pile and is never added to your ‘to-do’ list.
Breathnach suggests that “perhaps we don’t hear the whispers of authentic longing because we don’t want to hear.” Yes, because listening might mean that we set our phone down and we pick up the paintbrush, pen, spatula, or any other item that leads to a creative activity.
What if?
She continues by asking what would happen if we were simply honest with ourselves? If we stopped the excuses and quit putting things off until the kids are back in school, we have more money, and our phones aren’t quite as interesting.
She suggests learning to say to yourself, “I haven’t learned yet how to put myself on the list of priorities.” Note that she isn’t suggesting you put yourself first (Heaven forbid!), just get yourself on the list.
I could go on and on, begging you to spend less time on your phone, and believe me, I have so much to say about this and what we’re doing to ourselves as a phone-addicted society, but I have to work on myself first. I have my own love/hate relationship with technology, and watching what we’re allowing to happen to our children scares me to death.
But I need to work on myself first. I can’t very well give advice I’m not willing to take.
I’m going to start with giving myself just a bit of time every single day to truly listen to what’s happening inside my head. I’m going to think about what brings me joy, what I’m proud of about myself, and all the experiences and people I’m grateful to have in my life.
I’m taking ten minutes each day to do this, and I hope you’ll join me. Together, we might discover amazing things and unearth just a bit more of our own authenticity.
Are You Living Authenti-cally?
Today, I happened to see a TikTok where a woman was saying that if everyone likes you, you’re not trying hard enough to be who you really are. When you become that person, she went on, there are going to be people who don’t like you, but at that point you won’t care.
I’m there. I think when you become who you authentically are supposed to be, you become okay with the fact that you are not everyone’s cup of tea. Not every single person has to support the ideas you get behind, the people you love and encourage, or the way you live your life.
I can still see the image in my head. My friend and I were walking somewhere, and the wind was blowing. I had been coloring my hair at the time and wasn’t sure if she was.
The wind chose that moment to blast us as I turned to her to answer something she said. I saw that the wind had picked up a section of her hair, and there was gray underneath. For whatever reason, that image is still a snapshot in my head.
I didn’t color my hair again. Seeing the truth about her and knowing I was in the same boat, helped me realize that if I wasn’t staying on top of keeping my hair colored (and let’s be honest - it’s expensive, takes a long time, and you really need to do it often), the same thing would be happening to me. It felt fake, and I wasn’t okay with it.
I realize millions of women color their hair. Men, too. I stand behind every single one of them. You do you. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t for me.
Just Let it Go
Letting that one thing go started a movement for me. I started thinking about other things that just “weren’t me,” and letting those things fall by the wayside as well.
I used to try so hard to get certain people to like me. I hadn’t yet encountered Mel Robbins’ theory on friendship that I wrote about earlier. I realized that it was time to stop trying so hard. Not everyone is going to like me, and that’s okay. There are people I don’t like either. It’s just life.
Today, I happened to see a TikTok where a woman was saying that if everyone likes you, you’re not trying hard enough to be who you really are. When you become that person, she went on, there are going to be people who don’t like you, but at that point you won’t care.
I’m there. I think when you become who you authentically are supposed to be, you become okay with the fact that you are not everyone’s cup of tea. Not every single person has to support the ideas you get behind, the people you love and encourage, or the way you live your life.
It’s Not Just Me
Before writing this, I did a quick check on Google to see what authenticity is made up of and found an article. It’s titled Authenticity is Made Up of These Three Parts. Those parts are a low level of self-alienation, a high level of authentic living, and a low level of accepting outside influence.
I think this psychologist is onto something.
Self-alienation happens when you don’t know yourself. That can take some time figuring out who you are and what makes you happy. I know some people my age and even older who still don’t know the answer to that.
He defines authentic living as “behaving in ways which are true to one’s core self in most situations.” In other words, those people who are doing their own thing and not caring if the rest of the world is upset about it or not.
A low level of accepting external influence means that you’re not driven by others’ expectations, but rather moving forward according to your own. You dance to your beat, follow your heart, and maybe even whistle a lot. Just kidding, that last part is just what I do.
What difference does it make if you’re living authentically or not? I can tell you it makes all the difference. You should have a reason to get out of bed each day. You should have a goal you want to achieve. You should have a list of things you’d like to do before your time on this planet is over.
They don’t have to be big, giant things. Maybe you want to make sure your mother is taken care of in her old age, or perhaps your dream is to become a parent, or possibly you have a goal of visiting another country one day.
My wish is that you find a way to achieve everything on your list. But mostly, I simply hope you’re happy with the person you are, and without comparing yourself to anyone else, can look behind you and be proud of the person you are today.
Self Reflection Can be Rough
Recently, I was completely humbled by a situation I was certain I knew inside and out. Ages ago, I had a boyfriend who would hang out with this girl when I wasn’t around.
The girl was beautiful. But because I knew she’d been hanging out with my boyfriend, I wasn’t her biggest fan. Actually, I know I called her some very ugly names when talking to my friends about her. I never took the time to get to know her because I knew she’d be awful.
After not seeing her for many years, I recently glanced around the room of the restaurant I was in, and there she was, talking to one of my friends. I decided that it had probably been long enough. I wanted to see what she was actually like, so I went over to say hello.
Think back to when you were young and had all the answers. Remember that?
Recently, I was completely humbled by a situation I was certain I knew inside and out. Ages ago, I had a boyfriend who would hang out with this girl when I wasn’t around.
The girl was beautiful. But because I knew she’d been hanging out with my boyfriend, I wasn’t her biggest fan. Actually, I know I called her some very ugly names when talking to my friends about her. I never took the time to get to know her because I knew she’d be awful.
Another chance
After not seeing her for many years, I recently glanced around the room of the restaurant I was in, and there she was, talking to one of my friends. I decided that it had probably been long enough. I wanted to see what she was actually like, so I went over to say hello.
My friend introduced the two of us, and I told her I remembered her. She smiled warmly at me and said I hadn’t changed at all. That wasn’t so awful.
My friend was asking her where her husband was, and she smiled, but looked a bit sad. She went on to explain that he’d had a stroke and one side of his body was completely paralyzed. Their entire married life, she had been the introvert and he’d always been the extrovert, and their roles were immediately reversed the day of his stroke as they were in the emergency room.
She talked about how she had to be the one stepping up and asking questions and finding answers as she nursed him back to health.
My friend and I expressed our sympathy, and she asked if he was doing better. The woman explained that she thinks he’s made leaps and bounds in terms of recovery, and she can see the old him struggling to be who he used to be. But he’s different now and doesn’t come out of the house much.
She is still a beautiful woman, but now there’s also an air of sadness that I’d never seen before.
As my husband and I went home that night, I felt terrible. I told him what had happened and the history between us that caused me to think she was a bad person. She wasn’t, and I was wrong about her. If we had lived in the same area, we might even have become close friends. I was extremely humbled.
Do you give second chances?
I think one of the reasons I was so affected by this was because of the way I approached kids when I was teaching. I thought of teaching as a solitary profession. Yes, there are meetings that everyone attends, but the day-to-day instruction teachers are doing in their classrooms is generally just led by the one adult.
However, anytime there was a child coming to my room for the first time who’d had behavior issues with someone else, that teacher would want to tell me all about it. I ran from these conversations. That child and I were getting the chance to start a brand new relationship, and I didn’t want any baggage coloring the way I treated him or her. I knew that kids grow and change, and I wanted to give the teen the opportunity to show me who they were going to be in my class.
But, maybe it was because I was certain I knew what kind of lady she was, as my brilliant teenage self, that I hadn’t bothered to offer the same chance to her.
I’m not telling you anything new. We see this every single day. We make snap judgments or believe whatever the rumor is that’s going around, or base our opinions on one single act we may have witnessed and misinterpreted.
When you’re living the life you’re meant to live and being as authentic as possible, I think it’s okay to admit you’ve made a mistake. It’s okay to be real and open and honest and not only give others the chance to prove themselves, but to give yourself some grace as well.
When Projects Become Giants
It’s like when you’re little and you go to the local swimming pool. You’d really like to jump off the high dive, but once you climb up there and take a look around, doubts start to creep in. What if I get to the end of the board and the board snaps in two? What if my body twists as I’m jumping, and I end up doing a belly flop and can’t get over the pain to get back to the surface? What if I jump in so deeply that I run out of air before I can swim back up?
All totally irrational, but once the thought is there, it’s not leaving anytime soon.
I have a project that I’ve been hoping to find time to work on for months. I’m shocked to even write that word - months. It’s embarrassing to admit to myself that I’ve let it go that long because I’m not much of a procrastinator. There’s nothing I love more than a to-do list with every single item crossed off.
This project has been sitting in my mind for what seems like a long time. I think about it several times each week, but with summer upon us, it’s easy to spend my free time outside taking care of my tomato plants, watering my flowers, hanging out with our critters, or spending the day golfing with my husband. I just don’t know when I can fit it in right now.
The thing about it is that this project could turn out to be a fairly big deal for my writing business. I think that might have something to do with my inability to move forward with it.
Is it just me?
Have you ever had an idea, a chore, or a project that you let sit too long? For me, it seems the longer I stew about it, the bigger the thing becomes.
This doesn’t only apply to life-changing plans, I can do this with minor things too. For instance, we have glass doors on our shower. After every shower, we either squeegee them to get rid of the water droplets or spray on a cleaning solution. I found the cleaning solution recipe in a magazine, and I really like using it because it’s quick and easy. But the bottle I mix the solution in will sit empty for weeks as I *think* about refilling it. What the heck???
You’d think the solution was a complicated mixture of 16 different items that I have to search for weeks to find. Nope. The recipe calls for FOUR different things, and one of them is water, all of which I have readily available underneath our kitchen sink. Sheesh!
Good podcast alert!
I listen to a podcast by a lady named Marie Pier-Tremblay called Self-Growth Nerds. She writes a wonderful email talking about the different projects she’s working on, and one of her latest podcast episodes caught my eye: The Overwhelm Barrier: What’s Really Stopping You.
She’s divided this topic into two episodes because she intentionally breaks down what is happening in your brain to paralyze you from moving forward. I recognized myself in so much of it.
I’m not one to do shoddy work, but I notice that when I dive right in, without hesitation, projects actually get done.
Remember this?
It’s like when you’re little and you go to the local swimming pool. You’d really like to jump off the high dive, but once you climb up there and take a look around, doubts start to creep in. What if I get to the end of the board and the board snaps in two? What if my body twists as I’m jumping, and I end up doing a belly flop and can’t get over the pain to get back to the surface? What if I jump in so deeply that I run out of air before I can swim back up?
All totally irrational, but once the thought is there, it’s not leaving anytime soon.
A couple of years ago, I worked with a financial planner. She would give me assignments between our weekly or bi-weekly Zoom calls, and I would do my best to get them done. One of the things she asked me to do was to use Dave Ramsey’s app EveryDollar. She wanted me to type in every single transaction I had with money.
At first, it was interesting to do. When you write down every single transaction, you quickly get to the point where, even though you might want to buy yourself a candy bar, your urge to forego it just so you don’t have to write it down later starts to win out.
I had been putting off keeping track of the transactions and had managed to distract her with other questions and conversations for several weeks. Finally, we had a call where she started with the question, “How are you doing with keeping track of your transactions?”
I had to come clean. I told her originally I had been doing it once a week. Then it got to be a couple weeks before I would sit down and do it. Then it became this giant monster of a project, and I hadn’t done it in at least a month.
“If it’s become that big of a deal, let it go. You don’t have to do it.” I was shocked! I had done all I could to avoid talking about it (and doing it), and she was just telling me to LET IT GO? What a relief!
The funny thing was that once she told me I didn’t have to do it, I actually felt it become a much smaller project again, and it seemed perfectly doable. Go figure.
Back to the point
But back to my current project. Now that I’m admitting I haven’t done anything on it in such a long time, the wheels in my head are slowly moving forward. It wouldn’t be THAT hard to set a timer and just work on it for ten minutes. Ten minutes might even turn into twenty or thirty!
I could also text one of my friends and ask her to check on my progress every few days. I don’t like disappointing people, so that would be a lot of help.
Often, the best way for me to get something done, much like climbing up the high dive and jumping off before I even have time for objections to form, is simply to start. Starting is really the hardest thing.
That also helps me remember that AI is a great way to break projects down into smaller pieces. If you haven’t already, create an account on www.chatgpt.com. Type in: Can you break down staining my deck/planting a rosebush/learning how to play pickleball into several easy, doable steps? You’ll be amazed how simple the project becomes. But if it still seems like a giant task, ask ChatGPT to break it down into even smaller steps.
If all else fails, you can always take the advice of Elsa from the movie Frozen, and my financial planner, and just let it go.
The Best Bosses are Real People
This was the only rule I had needed all along, it just took me a while to figure it out. If I showed the kids respect, they respected me in return. If I gave them a bunch of silly rules and tried to control every single little activity and conversation, they ran right over the top of me.
Giving people freedom and treating them as equals, in my experience, results in amazing relationships. The people who were my most respected bosses did the same. It was because I received respect and freedom from them that I wanted to do the best job I could.
I read a daily passage in a book called Simple Abundance. I’m pretty sure the first edition of this book was the reason I wanted to live a more authentic life. The author, Sarah Ban Breathnach, writes about living authentically throughout, and really made me want to become more true to myself.
Today’s entry includes a quote from a French-American novelist, poet, and diarist, Anais Nin (1903 - 1977). It says, “And the day came when the risk [it took] to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Right in the Heart!
Holy smokes, does that ever bring back memories for me! It also ties in nicely with a topic that’s been heavy on my heart for a week or two now. That topic is managerial styles. Hear me out, I promise the quote and the way you manage other people tie in with each other.
I’m guessing I’ve worked for twenty different bosses. Of the twenty, there were only three that were absolutely awful to work for. One of them told me that if I wore shorter skirts, I’d do better at my job. Enough said about this guy. No, my job wasn’t what you’re thinking.
Another had been a great friend, or so I thought, until they gained some power, and then l apparently became a minion they had no use for anymore. The third one was a micromanager in the worst way but constantly denied that they were.
These two left huge impressions on me. They reminded me of what I never wanted to become. It seemed to me that neither was very happy with their own life and felt a need to make others around them miserable too. I can’t imagine that it helped them feel better about their own lives, but clearly, we are very different people; who am I to even guess at what makes them happy?
One of the things I know now meant they weren’t confident about their leadership skills was the one-size-fits-all punishment. For example, if one person was on their phone during a meeting, the entire place got a notice that phones were no longer allowed in meetings. They weren’t brave enough to just go to the one person doing the offending activity and ask them to stop, everyone had to suffer.
The years I worked for them were the hardest of my life. I cried a lot. I felt powerless because they were the boss. I had debts and I needed my job. I loved my job but avoided all interaction with them. I was about to break when thankfully, a better opportunity came my way.
Working for people like this made me feel like I would never blossom in that role because there was no support or encouragement for me to grow.
Time to Look in the Mirror
I know it’s hard to look objectively at ourselves. But if you’re in charge of others, ask yourself these questions: do my employees seem happy? Am I able to look my employees in the eye when telling them what I’d like for them to accomplish that day? Do my employees ever seek me out to share a funny story or happy moment? Do my employees and I ever share a laugh? If the answer is no, then you need to take a long look at yourself.
What I’ve found as I’ve gotten smarter about people and the way they manage others, is that the looser the hold, the better the relationship. I found the same thing with my high school students. When I began teaching, my rules were long and normally took an entire period to go over. As I gained more experience about working with teens, my rules whittled down to one: I’m going to treat you the way you treat me.
This was the only rule I had needed all along, it just took me a while to figure it out. If I showed the kids respect, they respected me in return. If I gave them a bunch of silly rules and tried to control every single little activity and conversation, they ran right over the top of me.
Giving people freedom and treating them as equals, in my experience, results in amazing relationships. The people who were my most respected bosses did the same. It was because I received respect and freedom from them that I wanted to do the best job I could.
In the end, I needed to move on to feel like I was truly ‘blossoming’ into the life I was meant to live. The sad part is that the people today who are still trying to manage people by squashing them under their thumbs probably won’t read this. They probably won’t change. But maybe it will convince you that there are better opportunities out there. Perhaps it’s time you started looking.
Go Ahead and Be Emotional
“Isn’t it funny how we grow so immune to things? Like when you’ve seen it happen once, the next time isn’t such a shock?”
I agreed wholeheartedly. Our friends had been camping all week, but for us, this was the first night and it made me think that was the difference in our reaction. She’d been seeing that same thing happen with each fire, and it was a first for me.
It got me thinking about other things we’ve become immune, or unaffected, or shielded, or maybe even protected from?
We got to go camping and golfing this past weekend with some great friends. It’s rare that we are ever all together so it makes these once-a-year trips that much more special. I was thankful that everyone was able to find the time to go because as we all know, life gets crazy busy.
One night, as we were sitting around the campfire, a huge moth flew into the fire we were burning. This wasn’t some little creature. It was as large as a butterfly but with a much chunkier body.
It landed close to the edge of the fire bowl and jumped around a bit. I could feel myself holding my breath hoping that maybe it was going to fly up and out of there. My friend next to me was also watching because I heard her say something about it being “another of those big moths.”
A moment later, the moth stopped moving and she said, “He’s gone,” in a matter-of-fact way. He certainly was gone and it made me a bit sad. But what she said next, made me even more miserable.
“Isn’t it funny how we grow so immune to things? Like when you’ve seen it happen once, the next time isn’t such a shock?”
So True
I agreed wholeheartedly. Our friends had been camping all week, but for us, this was the first night and it made me think that was the difference in our reaction. She’d been seeing that same thing happen with each fire, and it was a first for me.
It got me thinking about other things we’ve become immune, or unaffected, or shielded, or maybe even protected from?
When I was a high school teacher a few years ago, I was always shocked by the casual way high school kids talk about sex. They’re having it and to be real honest (I know parents aren’t going to want to hear this), it’s nothing to them. It’s not like it’s the most intimate thing you can ever share with someone; it’s not much of a big deal to many of them.
Settle Down, Sister
Personally, I blame our phones for that. It always makes me chuckle when someone rises up against the latest, most awful book that teachers are “pushing” on kids these days. These are usually the same people who haven’t bothered to look at their child’s search history on their phones or figured out that there are fake apps on their little darlings' devices to hide the naughty photos they’ve sent and received. The books are the least of our worries. And let’s get real - at least they’re reading!
Kids can and do visit sites they shouldn’t all the time. I believe that it’s exactly the same as my moth theory, after a while, it becomes no big deal.
It’s interesting to me that while we’ve become numb to many things that used to shock us, there are other situations that we still keep closely guarded. For instance, it’s common knowledge that white men generally make more money than women or people of color. When was the last time you were in a conversation where people were talking about how much money they make? Teens talk about it, but adults don’t. Money is still one of the great taboo topics. But maybe it would benefit everyone if it weren’t?
Back to the Point
Anyway, back to the giant moth. There’s no blame to be placed here because we couldn’t have stopped that fella from flying into the fire, and our realities put us in situations where we are either numb or emotional. It’s just an observation of what we’re exposed to. I have plenty of friends who love hunting, but this morning when I hit a deer with my vehicle, I was in tears as I saw the deer’s friend or family member looking at it like it didn’t know what to do. Oh, my heart!
When was the last time you had some big emotions? I think it’s okay to be someone who cries often, loves big, and laughs loudly. What an awful world it would be if we were all numb to everything and nothing mattered.
Dogs Are the Best Teachers
I’ve been a victim of worrying in the past and I’ve found a couple things have helped greatly. The one I recommend most is keeping a gratitude journal. Find a journal you like, or even just an old notebook, and every single day, think of at least three things you’re grateful for and the reason why. Write them down. Try to come up with different things every day. It can take as long or as little time as you decide.
After doing this for a while, you’ll start noticing things you’re grateful for without a lot of effort. You can write about small things or big things. Maybe you’re happy that you found time to take a walk today and got to enjoy the outdoors, or maybe you’re grateful that there are no major fires right now and the air you’re breathing is clear and great-smelling, or maybe you’re thankful that you’ve been able to save a few dollars each paycheck because you’re pretty sure you’re going to need to buy a new car sometime this year.
I’ve recently become a dog person.
My whole life I was a cat person and I really can’t remember a time when I didn’t have a cat. I still have cats - Frank & Felicia - but we also have two Mini Australian Shepherds named Jack and Jill. Alliteration is pretty important in our household.
There’s nothing like being a dog owner. Cats are great, and the fact that they’re so independent is part of why they’re great. But dogs…I’m not even sure I can put it into words. Your dog truly believes that the sun rises and sets with you. My cats like me, but I’m not sure it goes that deep.
They’ve become our kids
Anyway, the reason I’m mentioning this is because our dogs are like our children to us. Each morning, they get to go to work with my husband for a bit. Almost every morning after he leaves with them, I have a moment of stress when I picture him rushing back into the house with tears in his eyes, telling me that one of them has been run over.
I know there’s a pretty good chance that we’re going to outlive our dogs. It makes me tear up just thinking about when that time comes. But I also know that if I fixate on all the bad that could happen to them, I’m going to miss all the great times that are happening right now.
I read something once that said you can’t prepare yourself for bad things that might happen. Thinking about a possible tragedy does not help you get over it quicker. It just means that you get to live through it more than once, and who wants to do that?
Negative Nellie or Wemberly Worried
I’m sure everyone has a Negative Nellie in their life. She or he is that person who can’t possibly see the positives in any situation. They only see the downside. If it’s raining, it’s ruined their day outside. They don’t even see that it also means they don’t have to turn on the sprinkler that day. If they’re going on a trip, they’re just sure their motel is going to be awful. They don’t recognize that they are actually going on a vacation to a new place with tons of possibilities for fun.
Worry is a useless emotion. Worrying about something will do nothing but cause you stress, and stress can be one of the reasons you get sick. I’m not a doctor, but I can look back and see that the majority of times I’ve been sick, I’ve also let myself worry about something unnecessarily.
But it’s hard not to worry, I know. If you allow yourself to worry a little bit, that worry soon multiplies, and then you’re worrying about everything. Good and bad things are going to happen to you, but it makes no sense to worry about it.
I’ve been a victim of worrying in the past, and I’ve found a couple things have helped greatly. The one I recommend most is keeping a gratitude journal. Find a journal you like, or even just an old notebook, and every single day, think of at least three things you’re grateful for and the reason why. Write them down. Try to come up with different things every day. It can take as long or as little time as you decide.
After doing this for a while, you’ll start noticing things you’re grateful for without a lot of effort. You can write about small things or big things. Maybe you’re happy that you found time to take a walk today and got to enjoy the outdoors, or maybe you’re grateful that there are no major fires right now and the air you’re breathing is clear and great-smelling, or maybe you’re thankful that you’ve been able to save a few dollars each paycheck because you’re pretty sure you’re going to need to buy a new car sometime this year.
The other thing I’ve found that gets me out of the Negative Nellie mode is finding a place by myself, taking three or four deep breaths, and thinking, what if it all works out? What if I stop worrying? My shoulders might relax away from my ears, for one thing. My jaw might also unclench. I might even feel hope.
Worry is useless. Stop inviting trouble into your life. The more you focus on what could go wrong, the more likely it will. Instead, try thinking about what might go right. Everything might work out, and one good thing might just lead to another.
I have a small chalkboard next to my bed. I’ve written the sentence, “I’m ready for today’s magic!” The crazy thing about starting each of my days with that simple sentence is that by the time I see the chalkboard that night, I can think of several magical things that happened that day.
Elsa has it right
Let it go. Live the best life you possibly can, and start paying attention to all the good you have around you. It’s probably the best thing I’ve learned from Jack and Jill, that every single day is just filled with all the best things.
Let’s Get Real
One of my favorite things that came from social media, is the before Pinterest pin and the after “Nailed it!” photo where neither of them looks much like the other. It makes me laugh. What could be more honest than comparing something you created to the Pinterest version that was probably professionally built, cooked, or crafted?
Getting real doesn’t have to mean everything is perfect. It’s okay to admit you have problems, but even better if you’re looking for solutions. That’s the best part of social media when we can ask what other people are doing to fix whatever we have going on. We don’t have to live in a fake social media bubble.
According to Merriam-Webster, one of the definitions of authentic is: true to one’s own personality, spirit, or character.
I love that! I remember very few times in my life when I thought I needed to act a certain way to fit in with certain people. It always made me uncomfortable to the point that I figured I didn’t need them in my life if it took so much work. I can’t help but just be who I really am. That person is someone who expects and is honest, someone who follows through with her promises, and someone who is as real as it gets.
This is Progress?
Social media came along and showed us that we could doctor our lives to look however we want them to look. I guess that works well until someone actually shows up at your door and realizes things aren’t quite as put together as they seem. And why is the goal to act like we have our crap together in the first place? I’m betting most of us truly don’t.
Filters have allowed people to do the same thing with their photos. I have a couple of friends who wouldn’t dream of taking a selfie without a filter, even though they are beautiful people. What happens when people who have only seen them on social media, come across them in real life and there’s <gasp!> wrinkles and gray hair?
To me, being true to one’s own spirit and personality is fascinating. People don’t have to agree with everything I say or think the way I think for me to enjoy being around them. I think of myself as a lifelong learner so I enjoy soaking up whatever knowledge or opinions people offer to me.
Being “real” seems to be going out of style and that makes me sad. I love that every single person is completely their own natural character and I would encourage everyone to embrace that personality, whatever it is.
Real = Real Honest
Getting real isn’t always pretty. In fact, the more real I get, the more you’re going to hear my own personal struggles. Like the fact that I’m not a morning person and it’s hard for me to roll out when Alexa starts playing music at 6 am. I wrestle with time every single day. I want to work out, actually, I don’t, but I do love the results so I continue trying to fit in some sort of workout daily. But, when time runs short, that’s the first thing that falls to the wayside.
I also take on too much because I like it when people are proud of the work I do. Another issue is that I’m not exactly sure where this blog is headed, but I know my heart and my head continue pushing me to stick with it. Additionally, I need to feel like I’m making a difference in the world.
I should also add that I truly only cook to keep my husband and myself alive. I’m not all that interested in being a great cook because it takes so much time and I tend to clean up as I go - not a great combination if you still need to fit several other things into your day, besides the meal you’re preparing.
That’s me being honest with you. That’s who I am.
One of my favorite things that came from social media, is the before Pinterest pin and the after “Nailed it!” photo where neither of them looks much like the other. It makes me laugh. What could be more honest than comparing something you created to the Pinterest version that was probably professionally built, cooked, or crafted?
Getting real doesn’t have to mean everything is perfect. It’s okay to admit you have problems, but even better if you’re looking for solutions. That’s the best part of social media when we can ask what other people are doing to fix whatever we have going on. We don’t have to live in a fake social media bubble.
Life is short. Be you. Your people are out there waiting to find the real, authentic you. Make it easy for them to find you.
Adult Friendships 101
Because of the three pillars, creating friendships as adults is difficult. Let’s say that you’ve just moved to a new community and you’ve started a new job. Because of proximity, you could become great friends with people you work with except that you have teens, another person is an empty nester, and a third person just had their first baby. These are most likely not going to be your closest friends because of timing.
But doing something regularly can mean your chances are greater that you find your people. Going to the same place such as the golf course, playing golf together, and enjoying a drink while possibly recognizing that having an empty nest isn’t the end of the world, could just be the tie that binds.
I’ve mentioned Mel Robbins’ book called Let Them in previous blog posts. I want to bring it up again because there’s a big part of the book devoted to adult friendships and I must admit that I continue thinking about it and I believe she truly has it all figured out.
Her Theory
Mel says that there are three conditions, or pillars, that must be present for adult friendships to work. They are proximity, timing, and energy.
She explains proximity as the literal sense of being near someone - neighbors, people living in the same town, fans of sports teams, parents of kids who are in the same elementary class, etc.
Timing is simply the time of life you’re in. You’re more likely to spend time with those people who are in the same circumstance or place in life. Think about who your close friends are and I bet you’ll notice you’re in similar life situations: parents of young kids, people with no kids, empty nesters, people who like to do the same things in their free time, and so on.
Mel’s final pillar is energy. This is something you notice. The energy is either there or it isn’t and she says you have to trust the energy because it will guide you to your people. I love the idea of this!
Does it work?
I can think of a couple different women acquaintances who I have always thought would be fun to have as friends, but for whatever reason, we’ve just never quite clicked. Because of Mel, I now understand why. Our three pillars have never been in alignment.
She goes on to say that friendships exist when all three pillars are present. As elementary kids, we automatically had friends because we were in the same classroom nearly every day of our young lives - proximity. As we got older, we scattered or moved in different directions, neighborhoods, or towns. As adults, we may not bump into the same people anymore.
Everything in Mel’s book is backed by research. So as she says, “When friendships start to fade, it’s not personal,” I’m nodding my head in agreement even though I had actually thought it was very personal.
I’ve had great friends who have simply dropped off my radar and I’ve missed them. But as I think of them now, I can see that at least one of the pillars was no longer present. It’s not that they got mad at something I did and just quit calling, but rather that they moved away, or quit golfing, or their kids or grandkids quit participating in the same sports that we enjoy watching.
Those are the friends who when you do happen to run into them again, it’s like you pick up exactly where you left off. Nothing’s actually changed, except perhaps their proximity to you or the timing of their life is now different than yours. The energy still says these are your peeps.
What a relief! It makes me feel so much better about reconnecting with them when we’re both in the same area because I don’t have to spend time and energy worrying that maybe I did or said something that offended them. We just jump right back in like we were together yesterday, even when it’s been months or years.
I know, it’s still difficult
Because of the three pillars, creating friendships as adults is difficult. Let’s say that you’ve just moved to a new community and you’ve started a new job. Because of proximity, you could become great friends with people you work with except that you have teens, another person is an empty nester, and a third person just had their first baby. These are most likely not going to be your closest friends because of timing.
But doing something regularly can mean your chances are greater that you find your people. Going to the same place such as the golf course, playing golf together, and enjoying a drink while possibly recognizing that having an empty nest isn’t the end of the world, could just be the tie that binds.
But it does mean that you have to leave your house to do it. I know. Adulting is hard.
Whatever your interests, if you’re looking to build your number of friends, maybe it’s time to try something new. It also doesn’t hurt to start noticing the people you encounter frequently. Perhaps your energy is pushing you toward them for a reason. Maybe they’re your people and it’s time you took notice.
As a huge fan of how authentic Mel Robbins seems, this is advice that simply makes sense.
It Baffles Me
This got me thinking about other things I don’t understand. Like, what are we doing with the shirt half-tuck, ladies? It’s like we don’t want to commit to fully tucking in our shirts, but we want to look like we made an effort, so we just tuck in a side of our shirt. It screams that in our attempt at getting ready that day, we decided, meh, I could go either way.
Am I guilty of the half-tuck? Of course I am! I don’t want to look like I’m too uptight with a full tuck or too sloppy with no tuck. Honestly, I can’t wait for the half-tuck to take a hike. I’ve got nothing against a “meh” attitude, but I’m quite ready to commit to being done tucking at all.
Of course there are many things that can pop up in a person’s life that are hard to understand. I do realize this. But there are several things in particular that I’m struggling with right now.
It’s not just me either. On my morning radio show, one of the hosts shared a story about riding on the subway. The car he was in was practically empty, but one woman came and stood so close to him that he felt like his personal space was being invaded. The only other person in the car was chuckling as she could see he was clearly perplexed about why the other woman was so close. Sometimes people are just not self aware.
In my world, we’ve been trying for quite a while to figure out how to make our backyard more comfortable to hang out in. We have a deck that needs to be redone; we’d like the stairs to lead straight into the yard instead of leading down in a roundabout way from one side.
I thought I’d give ChatGPT a chance to offer us some suggestions, so I took a photo of the yard and fed it in, asking, “What can I do to make my yard more appealing?” It came back with a much nicer photo of our place with some shrubs, mulch, and a pergola sitting smack dab in the middle of the yard.
That in itself was actually pretty helpful, because we would like to have some sort of structure that would provide some shade, but a pergola? I don’t understand the idea behind such a thing. Think about it. There’s no solid roof, just boards that crisscross each other. Sitting under it offers you a bit of shade on your shoulder, but then an inch down, you’re in the sun for several more inches, and then another bit of shade for about an inch around your elbow. What are we doing with this? It’s like someone was constructing a building but decided not to put a roof on it, but maybe we’d like a little bit of roof. I don’t get it.
When I mentioned my confusion to my husband, he reminded me that there are covers for pergolas.
Right.
So why wouldn’t we just put up a building with a roof then? I still don’t get it. How does one prepare with their sunscreen for such a place?
This got me thinking about other things I don’t understand. Like, what are we doing with the shirt half-tuck, ladies? It’s like we don’t want to commit to fully tucking in our shirts, but we want to look like we made an effort, so we just tuck in a side of our shirt. It screams that in our attempt at getting ready that day, we decided, meh, I could go either way.
Am I guilty of the half-tuck? Of course I am! I don’t want to look like I’m too uptight with a full tuck or too sloppy with no tuck. Honestly, I can’t wait for the half-tuck to take a hike. I’ve got nothing against a “meh” attitude, but I’m quite ready to commit to being done tucking at all.
The other thing I’m baffled by is my own personal need to stay up as late as possible, although I get up quite early. Each night I settle into the couch, and the later it gets, the lower I sink, until it’s almost impossible for me to even imagine moving from my spot to get ready for bed.
I know I’ll be better rested if I get up and head to bed at a decent time, but there’s a nagging thought that pops in every now and then - what if I get to bed and can’t sleep? Better not chance it. I’ll just stay here where I’m nice and comfy, until I’m so bleary-eyed I’m certain I won’t have any issues falling asleep. Makes perfect sense, right?
These are just a few of the oddities my brain can’t seem to wrap itself around. Now that I think about it, I should probably also figure out why mailing things seems like an insurmountable hill I don’t want to attempt to climb. All you have to do is head to the post office, and someone will help you with whatever the issue seems to be. I may not be mailing things because when I have the chance to, I’m too busy settling in for a nap.
Which might have something to do with how late I stay up each night…Interesting.
Attitude is Everything
The goal should be to have an abundance mindset. Instead of looking at it as not having a lot of food in the house, you could see the bread and eggs as just a bit of milk away from French Toast, or using all three items, you could create a burger with egg on top. I know, some people are weird.
As I began changing my attitude from “how am I ever going to afford more of (whatever it was), it became obvious that I was missing what I already had. I had a roof over my head in a house that I truly love, I have amazing people in my life, and I have more books than I will probably ever get through, which makes me really happy.
A question I like to ask myself often is this: if money were no object, would I still be doing what I’m doing today?
Many people work simply to be able to pay for life as it hits them - groceries, rent, gas, kids’ shoes, etc. Others work to be able to do more - travel, remodel, landscape that yard you’ve been saying you were going to do for years, and so on.
How do you know what you’re doing right now is what you’re supposed to be doing? Do you feel a pull toward something else? Or to think of it in another way, if today were your last day on earth, would you feel like you fulfilled your purpose?
Somewhere along the way, I adopted someone’s saying about work: you should be learning or earning.
In the best world, you’re doing both. In the worst cases, you’re doing neither, and it’s time to move on.
Of course, as a former teacher, I’m going to tell you that learning is valuable enough by itself. You never know when you’ll put skills you learn at work to use.
For example, although I was teaching teenagers, they taught me how to build strong relationships. I didn’t realize how powerful a skill that is until I looked around and noticed that there are several people who don’t know how to make friends and keep them. Hint: it’s not by putting yourself first.
Anyhoo…
But let’s circle back to what you would do if money were no object. Would you begin painting? Climbing? Building something? Creating beautiful interiors?
Do you have a higher power guiding you, or do you put your trust in yourself? Maybe you put your trust in those around you, and that’s why you haven’t made the jump yet to whatever you’d really like to do.
Personally, I’ve become closer to God than I’ve ever been since I decided to become a writer. There were many days when I thought I should throw in the towel and find a full-time job. But I couldn’t give up my dream. I kept the majority of those thoughts to myself, sharing them only in prayer.
Luckily, when the worst of these times hit, I happened to be working with an amazing coach. She taught me about having a poverty mindset. That’s what you have when you look around and all you see are the things you’re about to be out of. You might only have seven pieces of bread left, or four eggs, or one pound of hamburger.
The goal should be to have an abundance mindset. Instead of looking at it as not having a lot of food in the house, you could see the bread and eggs as just a bit of milk away from French Toast, or using all three items, you could create a burger with egg on top. I know, some people are weird.
As I began changing my attitude from “how am I ever going to afford more of (whatever it was), it became obvious that I was missing what I already had. I had a roof over my head in a house that I truly love, I have amazing people in my life, and I have more books than I will probably ever get through, which makes me really happy.
Real Work
Changing the way I saw things was hard. Negativity can wrap its arms around you and pull you into a downward spiral. Depression is real. It’s also real hard to find a way through, as I mentioned briefly in this post.
It took a bit for me to embrace the abundance mindset, and I had to remind myself every single day to find at least five things I was grateful for and write them down in my Gratitude Journal. This was something I had taught my students to do, but had forgotten myself. It made all the difference.
Now I can find something to look forward to every single day, and although I may not want to be out of bed, I continually look for the magic in each day. My hope is that you, too, find a way through the poverty mindset and grab onto the one thing that makes your heart soar.
The Season of Graduation
Give yourself some grace and some time. Graduation comes at you in a rush of a million decisions - continue on with school or join the workforce? Join the military or travel around the world? For years, you’ve been told you weren’t old enough to do this, this, or this, and now, all of a sudden, you’re supposed to have the answers to what the rest of your life looks like?
If you haven’t figured this out already, it’s finally time to start listening to what your mind, your heart, and your body tell you is the right decision. Maybe your parents want you to go to med school, but thinking about it makes you break out in a cold sweat. There’s your answer.
In honor of the kid who made me a grandma, this week’s entry is for the graduates. Tegan, I especially hope you read this, but there are other special grads too: your mom, graduating with her master's degree, the local kids I’ve watched grow up, and the Hay Springs High graduating class of 2025. You guys were middle school kids when I first met you, and even though I left before your junior year, I’ve been watching and cheering you on from afar.
There’s a poem called “Wear Sunscreen.” The author offers all kinds of advice to young people. It may not even be a poem for graduates, but it got me thinking about the advice I would give if I ever had a platform to do it (ahem, cough, cough).
It’s Finally Here!
Graduation from high school is an exciting time! Until now, you’ve done (mostly) what your parents have told you to do. You’ve gone to school nearly every day, and all of a sudden, the door is wide open, waiting for you to step through it.
Will you continue going to school? Will you join the work world? Are you going to travel?
I can almost guarantee there will be some time when you’ll go crazy. You’ll either be drinking too much and too often, sleeping too little or too much, or you’ll be just plain drunk on your own independence. That’s okay. If your parents have been honest with you, they did it too.
Which reminds me - all those dreams your parents have for you? Are they also your dreams? Because it’s definitely time to follow your own path. Put more value on your own thoughts and ideas than those of others.
But how do you know?
Take Care of You
Give yourself some grace and some time. Graduation comes at you in a rush of a million decisions - continue on with school or join the workforce? Join the military or travel around the world? For years, you’ve been told you weren’t old enough to do this, this, or this, and now, all of a sudden, you’re supposed to have the answers to what the rest of your life looks like?
If you haven’t figured this out already, it’s finally time to start listening to what your mind, your heart, and your body tell you is the right decision. Maybe your parents want you to go to med school, but thinking about it makes you break out in a cold sweat. There’s your answer.
What I wish for you, more than anything, is that you become…happy. And brave. And I hope you’ll consider yourself your own best friend. Your biggest goal now should be to become a better person every single day.
It’s time to look out for you. If you’ve been lucky enough to have at least one supporting, loving adult in your life, please don’t forget to check in with them every now and then.
And if you’ve been on your own for a while now, as sad as it is, you’re already ahead of the game. You know that the one person you’ll be able to count on is yourself, because others have failed you.
Either way, it’s time to make your dreams come true.
And that advice about wearing sunscreen? It’s actually an excellent tip. Congrats to you all!
Are You a Believer?
When I interviewed my friend Denie Jacobson for an article about her booming flower business, The Kindling Company Flower Truck in Omaha, she said something that I’ve thought about often. She told me that she’s always approached life with a “blind confidence,” a knowing that everything will work out.
Sadly, we are not the same. But I’ve often thought of her and her faith, her commitment to the positive. When I stop worrying, opportunities start coming in. Changing my thoughts from those of Negative Nelly always results in something good. It’s as if the universe or God rewards me for believing.
Although I’ve been a writer all my life, I didn’t seriously consider it as a career until almost two years ago.
I jumped right in, thinking it would be easy and people would come running, needing to hire a writer, just as soon as I announced that’s what I was. That hasn’t exactly been the case.
While I’ve definitely had writing jobs every single week (thank you Sheridan County Journal Star), there have been lots of ‘lean’ times.
How Much Do You Want It?
That’s the thing about having a goal that you just KNOW you’re meant to achieve. There are sacrifices. While your friends are taking vacations, going out to eat, and enjoying shopping trips, you stay home and eat three-day-old leftovers because you know it’s saving you money. Except for chicken - I’m not real sure you’re supposed to still be eating chicken three days after cooking it.
It reminds me a lot of the game of golf. As a golfer, I like to compartmentalize each hole by itself. If I start out on hole #1 with a crappy shot, shank the second one, and I’m still not even on the green by my third swing, I have to chalk it up to just that hole. I can’t carry my bad juju with me to hole #2, or you can bet I’m going to do the exact same thing all over again.
Steve Jobs once said in a college graduation speech that “looking back, it’s easy to connect the dots.” He was talking about how he didn’t earn a college degree himself but randomly chose classes he was interested in. He particularly enjoyed a typography class and later would choose unique, interesting fonts for an Apple IIe computer, rather than just a typewriter font, because of it.
I can look back and see that I needed to become adept at building relationships and speaking in front of groups of people to feel comfortable proposing my ideas to others.
I’ve been hired to write grants, assigned articles, pitched stories, and even written an obituary. With every single keystroke, I’m still learning.
Keep Coming Back to This
When I interviewed my friend Denie Jacobson for an article about her booming flower business, The Kindling Company Flower Truck in Omaha, she said something that I’ve thought about often. She told me that she’s always approached life with a “blind confidence,” a knowing that everything will work out.
Sadly, we are not the same. But I’ve often thought of her and her faith, her commitment to the positive. When I stop worrying, opportunities start coming in. Changing my thoughts from those of Negative Nelly always results in something good. It’s as if the universe, or God, rewards me for believing.
As a golfer, it also makes me think of Rory McIlroy. The Irish golfer is fun to watch play on TV. He tried 11 times to complete his Grand Slam - winning all four of the major tournaments. The moment he won the Masters Tournament this month, finally completing his Grand Slam, he tossed his putter in the air and fell sobbing to the green.
In an interview afterward, he said to reporters that he told his four-year-old daughter to take note. “Never give up on your dreams. Never, ever give up.” I hope she was listening.
I agree wholeheartedly and hope that you, too, are chasing after the one thing your heart wants more than anything else. But you’ve got to believe!
We Won the Lottery!
Not long ago, we were looking at a ticket he bought from our local gas station and for whatever reason - lack of sleep, finally a decent weather day, knowing golf season is upon us, whatever - we were certain he had won.
We didn’t even question it, we just let our minds run with what we were going to do with all that money. He was finally going to have the pickup of his dreams, we could buy a second home in a warmer climate, I was going to write a book, he was planning to retire in October but could go ahead and do it right away, and I was also excited that we’d be able to hire someone to finish the items still on our home remodel list.
I’m not much of a gambler. I really don’t like the idea of handing my hard-earned money over to a slot machine and watching it disappear in .015 seconds. Scratch tickets and buying into the lottery aren’t that fun for me either. I don’t mind playing Blackjack, though, because it takes a bit longer for my money to disappear.
My husband is exactly the opposite. He will tell you that I just have the wrong attitude, and I most certainly do. I like exchanging money for ‘things’ over the highs and lows of a slot machine sooo much better, which is crazy because he collects things like nobody’s business - shirts, jeans, underwear, socks, caps, and everything that “you never know, we might need it someday.” But that’s a whole other story.
Not long ago, we were looking at a ticket he bought from our local gas station, and for whatever reason - lack of sleep, finally a decent weather day, knowing golf season is upon us, whatever - we were certain he had won.
Of course, we won!
We didn’t even question it, we just let our minds run with what we were going to do with all that money. He was finally going to have the pickup of his dreams, we could buy a second home in a warmer climate, I was going to write a book, he was planning to retire in October but could go ahead and do it right away, and I was also excited that we’d be able to hire someone to finish the items still on our home remodel list.
“Finish it? We could sell it!”
My heart plummeted.
I could never sell our house. Our house is my favorite place to be.
I remember kids following trails of candy to their Easter buckets, the time an actual bird was trapped in the basement and one of the kids and I were trying to get it out as it dove at our heads, hunkering down on a snow day, watching lightning storms from our big picture window, painting bedrooms in team colors or ceiling fans with hand drawn hearts with the kids, tearing apart our old ugly bathroom wall and finding hundreds of razor blades from a previous owner, kid birthday parties in the backyard, telling the kids they were going to get in big trouble if they touched the vertical blinds, only to let the grandkids have free reign with everything including the new blinds, peeling a small section of the old wallpaper off a wall in the kitchen while my husband was at golf league, which led to the remodel and huge improvement of our kitchen.
If we didn’t have to worry about money, we’d sell our house? No way.
Perhaps we should look closer
We started looking closer at the lottery ticket. One of us got online and one got on the phone to check the numbers.
I could hardly focus with the future of our house hanging in the balance.
We finally realized it had been a mistake. We weren’t going to be lottery winners, and we felt a bit ridiculous that we’d gotten so carried away. We could practically see the money in our bank account, and it had allowed us to talk about what we’d do, unlike any other conversation, because it had seemed real to us.
The sadness I was feeling about the house was gone in an instant. I also realized that I could continue writing the book I had already started; I’d just have to make time for it. We could start saving for his dream pickup. We would continue taking vacations in warmer climates, rather than buying a house that would sit empty part of the year. He would still get to retire in October, which wasn’t that far away.
As my husband headed out the door to go back to a job he’s had for 44 years, I couldn’t help but feel like we’d already won the lottery. We sure didn’t need a piece of paper to tell us we are already big winners in this crazy game of life.
You Never Know
“I’d just like to explain what’s happening with him. His aorta, which is the largest tube that comes out of his heart, and usually looks like a single-barrel shotgun, is under so much pressure that it’s split into essentially what looks like a double-barrel shotgun.”
“Oh, okay,” I stammered.
“Heidi, if we don’t do surgery, there’s a 100% chance that he’s going to die,” he paused. “And if we do DO the surgery, there is still a 40% chance that he may not make it.”
My voice cracked as I said, “So we’re going to do it, right?”
“Yes, ma’am. How far out are you?”
*You can watch or listen to this post here.
It’s time for a story. This is a story that is hard for me to relive and even think briefly about. But it’s worth mentioning here, as it’s never very far from my mind and helps me remember what’s important.
“Kirk, we know what this is. What you’re having is called an Aortic Aneurysm.” Everything in the small emergency room fell away as those words took hold in my brain, and I turned to lock tearful eyes with my husband lying on the bed next to where I was sitting. I didn’t know specifically what the aortic part had to do with it, but I definitely knew the word “aneurysm”.
My best friend and I had been at high school basketball practice when someone came to tell her that her mother had been found slumped over her desk at work, dead with an aneurysm. A well-liked local family had lost their dad and husband when the man fell next to his car, dead with an aneurysm. I didn’t have the exact definition for aneurysm in my head, but I knew it meant swift and certain death.
“Don’t leave me,” I demanded tearfully. His eyes answered that it was the last thing he wanted to do, but we both knew this was beyond us. The fact that we’d even been given a diagnosis as he was lying here conscious was more than most people we knew with aneurysms had gotten.
“We’re going to fly him out of here,” I vaguely remember hearing. I know one nurse was working at a desk, while the doctor and nurse practitioner were setting plans in motion to get him to a heart specialist as quickly as possible.
Someone handed my husband a couple of stapled sheets of paper with the heading “Aortic Dissection”. He read briefly and handed it to me, whispering, “I don’t want to read anymore of this.” I noticed a few phrases: serious condition, blood vessel tears, aortic dissection is often fatal. I shoved it into my purse and grabbed his hand tightly. “Do I bring your mom with me, or do I leave her here?” He just looked sadly at me and said he didn’t know.
I sprang into action. “Okay, I’m going to start driving. You’re going to beat me there, so I’ve got to get going,” I kissed him gently. “I love you and I’m going to see you again soon.” He nodded with such a sad look in his eyes and told me he loved me, too. My mom, who was also in the emergency room with us, assured me that she would stay with him until he left for the helicopter, and then she would follow.
I jumped into my car, which my stepdad had just returned to me with a full tank of gas. My husband and I had been spending an increasing amount of time with his mother recently. She had woken up a couple of times from naps and had no idea where she was, even though she was in her own home. I punched in the number of my father-in-law’s nursing home and called.
This is the right move, I thought, I’ll have her to focus on, and that will be good.
I picked her up after a quick stop at our house to grab a bag and shove a handful of clothes and toiletries in. I also foolishly grabbed an outfit for my husband, reasoning, or rather, hoping, that he’d be coming home right away.
I had a two-hour drive to where a helicopter would be flying my husband. I did a good job of keeping it together and keeping the car on the road as I was driving 85 or 90 miles per hour. We caught and passed a car with my husband’s daughters and one of their husbands along the way. We were almost there when I got a call.
“Hyde,” my eyes filled with tears as I heard my husband’s voice flood the car. I heard his mother do a sharp intake of air as she recognized it as him.
“Yes, I’m here,” I said quickly, realizing it had taken me a moment to speak.
“Hyde, I’m here. It only took about 35 minutes or so.”
“I’m glad.”
“Hyde, the surgeon wants to talk to you. He’s here with me,” his voice broke as he said the word surgeon, and I found myself fighting to keep my emotions in check.
“Heidi, this is Dr. Smith,” I heard a southern voice fill the interior of the car. “I’m here with your husband, and I’d like to visit with you for a minute. Is that okay?”
“Yes, that’s fine,” I heard myself say, all business again.
“I’d just like to explain what’s happening with him. His aorta, which is the largest tube that comes out of his heart, and usually looks like a single-barrel shotgun, is under so much pressure that it’s split into essentially what looks like a double-barrel shotgun.”
“Oh, okay,” I stammered.
“Heidi, if we don’t do surgery, there’s a 100% chance that he’s going to die,” he paused. “And if we do DO the surgery, there is still a 40% chance that he may not make it.”
My voice cracked as I said, “So we’re going to do it, right?”
“Yes, ma’am. How far out are you?”
“We’re five minutes away.”
“Okay, we’re going to wait for you.” Both his mother and I were in tears as I thanked him and hung up. She continued to cry as I forced myself to get it together.
We arrived in the parking lot of the huge hospital, parked the car, and joined the rest of our family, climbing quickly out of their vehicle. I told them what the surgeon had said and that we needed to hurry so we could see their dad before they took him into surgery.
We raced through the hospital, just to end up in the wrong area. A nurse finally called my cell and told me she would come get us. She led us back through the maze of hallways, and there he was, clad in a hospital gown and head cover, ready for surgery.
I wanted to hold him as tight as I could, and never let him go, but I also knew his kids and his mother needed a chance to do the same, and the surgeon was waiting.
A man introduced himself to me as the anesthesiologist and told me that if he were going through the same thing, he would want Dr. Smith to be the one operating on him. I think I smiled at him. He handed me something of my husband’s, maybe his wallet, maybe his cell phone, or possibly both. We all kissed and hugged him, every one of us crying, including my husband.
I held his hand as they began to wheel him down the hall. We got to a certain area, and they told us that was as far as we could go. We kissed and hugged him again, and he said, “Let’s go, let’s just get this over with.”
My mother-in-law, two daughters, son-in-law, and I were led to a large waiting area and given instructions. It was 6 p.m., and the surgery could take as long as seven hours. There would be a nurse in the room during the surgery who would be calling my phone every hour to let me know how it was going. If there was ever a time that I wanted to call them, there was a phone on a desk in the corner of the waiting room. She handed me the number, showed us that there was coffee and water available, and she was gone.
We all found a spot to begin the excruciating, never-ending seven and ½ hour wait to see if my husband, her son, their dad, and his father-in-law, would ever be the same again.
As the surgery began, each of us kept busy by sending text messages to other family members and friends. My phone rang and I saw that it was my dad. My parents are divorced and remarried. My mom and stepdad live near us and are with us often, certainly whenever something major happens. My dad and stepmom live states away from us. While we talk on the phone quite frequently, we only actually see each other a couple of times each year.
“I’m on my way,” my dad said in my ear. The world dropped out from under my feet once again. If my dad was headed this way, it could only mean one thing: he didn’t think my husband was going to live through this. It became hard to focus on anything else he said. All I could think was that my dad coming could only mean that my life was about to change drastically.
I joined the group with a few minutes to spare before the first hour ended. I stared down at my phone, waiting for it to ring, and when I happened to glance up, I saw four other pairs of eyes watching my phone screen too. It rang, and the cheerful nurse’s voice on the other end reassured me that everything was going along just as they had thought it would. Everything was going well. I thanked her, she told me she’d call me again in an hour, and we hung up. The wait for the next phone call had begun.
The next couple of hours continued in much the same manner. People would call or text or Snapchat me, and I would respond with whatever information I knew. My mom and stepdad arrived, and my son-in-law went to a motel room. My sister called and one of the first things she said was, “Dad’s coming.” Everything skidded to a halt again. I told her he had called and that I definitely knew what that meant. We managed to talk for almost an hour after that, and it even seemed somewhat normal. My dad arrived a couple of hours later.
The third hour hit, and we all sat around watching my phone screen. We watched, and watched, and watched. Nothing. We all knew the call would be coming in at any second, and none of us did anything but watch until we realized that the fourth hour was approaching. I wondered if this was how it would start: first, the phone calls quit coming, next, there would be a nurse coming in, asking for the wife.
I couldn’t wait any longer. I went to the corner phone and dialed the number the nurse had given me, asking to get an update. The nurse asked who I was calling about, and there was a long pause as she did something.
I envisioned her covering the handpiece with her hand, telling her co-worker that the guy’s wife was on the phone, the one they were cleaning up before they came to the waiting area to explain that they had done everything they could possibly do. The “we’ll get back to you just as soon as we can, we’ll call you on your cell phone,” confirmed what my mind had already decided.
A call finally did come in, telling me that things were going well. I had been so sure they weren’t that it was hard to believe the voice on the other end of the phone. I don’t think I ever really did believe, until the call came telling me that the surgery was over, it went well, and the surgeon would be coming to speak to me. It had been a seven-hour ordeal. The surgeon was finally sitting with us at 1:15 a.m.
Dr. Smith explained the whole process to us, beginning with the aorta swelling from a single-barrel shotgun, to a double-barrel shotgun, and how lucky we had been that it hadn’t torn into a triple-barrel shotgun. He talked about how they replaced my husband’s aortic valve, which had become faulty, with a pig valve and his aorta had swollen from three centimeters to 5.5 centimeters, where two layers had torn. They used synthetic mesh to repair the aneurysm. He also brought up the fact that the human body normally has around 1.7 gallons of blood. They had used 28 units during the surgery, which translates into 3 ½ gallons! Finally, he told us we could see him, although he wouldn’t be waking up for hours yet.
I walked into my husband’s ICU room holding my mother-in-law’s hand. They had agreed that we could take turns seeing him, as long as we went in pairs. I had barely glanced at him when a nurse smiled at me and said, “he’s a miracle man.” My mother-in-law lost all composure at hearing that, and we just stood next to him, hugging each other and sobbing.
I pulled away. I had to touch him, drink him in with my eyes, and make sure he was still the man I knew. The way he was lying was a lot like a person in a casket, arms folded over his chest, and I needed to see the rise and fall of his breath before I could be sure he was okay.
He was covered by a blanket to his waist. There were gauze pads running from right underneath his neck to the top of his belly. He had tubes coming out of his chest and several other tubes close to his neck and coming out of his mouth. He was paler than I’d ever seen him. But he was breathing and he was alive. I could finally breathe again, too.
It would be another 26 days before my husband was sent home “to cure like a country ham,” as his surgeon, Dr. Smith, put it. He had been put into a hypothermic state during surgery, and it took his insides a long time to wake up.
We got to go home on February 26th, just to return about a month later for him to have his cecum removed, a part of the large intestine. It had never gotten the message to wake up, and it was decided that his stomach would feel and work better if he wasn’t constantly battling it. By this time, COVID had arrived, and I didn’t get to go with him; I just had to drop him off at the door to the hospital.
I picked him up several days later, and we had to drive through a blizzard to get back home, just in time to spend Easter by ourselves. Another first.
With all of the ups and downs of his medical issues, I fell deep into depression. Even when he came home, I couldn’t shake the feelings of sadness. There had been several times I was sure he was going to die, and the feeling stuck with me. He was home and back in his recliner, where I had hoped and prayed for him to be, and although my brain was happy about it, my feelings couldn’t catch up.
The nurse practitioner, who had first recognized he was having an aneurysm, and I had become close as we were constantly texting about what was happening with my husband. She recommended that I start on some antidepressants. It was exactly what I needed to get back to feeling like myself. After a couple of months, I was able to ditch the pills and express all the happiness I had knowing “the miracle man” was home and working, and living life again.
The thing is, you never know. If tomorrow were your last day here on Earth, are you okay to go knowing you have done every single thing you wanted to do? Or are there goals, hopes, and dreams you’re putting off until you’re ready? Spoiler alert: you’re NEVER going to be ready. My advice is that you should start chasing all those crazy ideas living in your head. Make every one of them your reality.
A Nickname to Grow Into
A long time ago, in my very first teaching job, I taught high school English on a nearby Indian Reservation. While there, I taught a girl who, after she got to know me pretty well, called me a Badass.
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A long time ago, in my very first teaching job, I taught high school English on a nearby Indian Reservation. While there, I taught a girl who, after she got to know me pretty well, called me a Badass.
These kids grow up fast
I should mention that my students on the reservation had seen a lot more of life than the students I would go on to teach in Nebraska. These kids had been through and seen things that I hope to never see, and yet it was their everyday experience. I’m not exaggerating when I say that alcoholism, rape, and abandonment were commonplace for them. Often, these kids were caretakers of younger kids in their families. I may have been teaching high school kids, but they had already experienced so much of the ugly in the world and it aged them.
My student (hello Jonan!) anointed me Badass and I never stopped her from saying it. I don’t remember her ever calling me that in front of a principal and I was secretly delighted with the title. Every time she said it, I would smile, but also give her a look that conveyed we both knew she shouldn’t be calling me that.
Much more BA than I
This girl would go on to become much more of a badass than I ever was - singing and playing the guitar in a band, interning at Nike, creating a documentary, and continuously posting glamorous modeling shoots on social media.
She embodies every part of that title. But, each time she said it to me, I wanted to become better. I wanted to be certain I was living up to her hype. As a teacher, I did that by making sure I was pushing her and preparing her for the real world, which she was actually living day-to-day already. As a writer, I now find myself surrounded by all things “badass.”
Jen Sincero has a series of Badass book titles, which I’ve devoured. She’s the author of You are a Badass, You are a Badass at Making Money, You Are A Badass Every Day, and Badass Habits. I also have her You Are A Badass planner and daily calendar. I love her message but it’s also a shout-out to my former student who firmly planted the idea in my head that I could be more.
One person I didn’t want to disappoint
The name made me think back to my elementary-age self and all the dreams I knew I was going to achieve as I got older. The dreams that fell by the wayside as I realized that life was not always kind to people with big dreams. Adults needed dependable jobs and regular paychecks, and my dreams of becoming a writer never guaranteed that.
When I quit teaching, I found myself thinking a lot about that young girl. I wondered what would have happened if I would’ve just shut out the noise of the world and followed her dreams? Why is it that other people’s opinions seem so important?
Debts to pay
To honor that girl, I have a photo of her hanging inside my medicine cabinet. I owe her. I focus on her twice a day as I’m brushing my teeth, and running through several affirmations: “Anything is possible,” “You got this,” “The power of you,” and “Strength.”
I also owe my student who thought I was a badass when I really wasn’t. I was an educator because everyone in my family had been one. And it was good for me. I use so many of the skills I developed as a teacher in my everyday life today.
I guess I’m a slow learner. But I think when you finally become okay with taking risks that you feel deep inside, that’s when your inner voice becomes louder than all the others. It makes me believe that I’m finally learning what being a badass is all about.
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