Adult Friendships 101

I’ve mentioned Mel Robbins’ book called Let Them in previous blog posts. I want to bring it up again because there’s a big part of the book devoted to adult friendships and I must admit that I continue thinking about it and I believe she truly has it all figured out. 

Her Theory

Mel says that there are three conditions, or pillars, that must be present for adult friendships to work. They are proximity, timing, and energy. 

She explains proximity as the literal sense of being near someone - neighbors, people living in the same town, fans of sports teams, parents of kids who are in the same elementary class, etc. 

Timing is simply the time of life you’re in. You’re more likely to spend time with those people who are in the same circumstance or place in life. Think about who your close friends are and I bet you’ll notice you’re in similar life situations: parents of young kids, people with no kids, empty nesters, people who like to do the same things in their free time, and so on. 

Mel’s final pillar is energy. This is something you notice. The energy is either there or it isn’t and she says you have to trust the energy because it will guide you to your people. I love the idea of this!

Does it work?

I can think of a couple different women acquaintances who I have always thought would be fun to have as friends, but for whatever reason, we’ve just never quite clicked. Because of Mel, I now understand why. Our three pillars have never been in alignment. 

She goes on to say that friendships exist when all three pillars are present. As elementary kids, we automatically had friends because we were in the same classroom nearly every day of our young lives - proximity. As we got older, we scattered or moved in different directions, neighborhoods, or towns. As adults, we may not bump into the same people anymore. 

Everything in Mel’s book is backed by research. So as she says, “When friendships start to fade, it’s not personal,” I’m nodding my head in agreement even though I had actually thought it was very personal. 

I’ve had great friends who have simply dropped off my radar and I’ve missed them. But as I think of them now, I can see that at least one of the pillars was no longer present. It’s not that they got mad at something I did and just quit calling, but rather that they moved away, or quit golfing, or their kids or grandkids quit participating in the same sports that we enjoy watching. 

Those are the friends who when you do happen to run into them again, it’s like you pick up exactly where you left off. Nothing’s actually changed, except perhaps their proximity to you or the timing of their life is now different than yours. The energy still says these are your peeps. 

What a relief! It makes me feel so much better about reconnecting with them when we’re both in the same area because I don’t have to spend time and energy worrying that maybe I did or said something that offended them. We just jump right back in like we were together yesterday, even when it’s been months or years.  

I know, it’s still difficult

Because of the three pillars, creating friendships as adults is difficult. Let’s say that you’ve just moved to a new community and you’ve started a new job. Because of proximity, you could become great friends with people you work with except that you have teens, another person is an empty nester, and a third person just had their first baby. These are most likely not going to be your closest friends because of timing. 

But doing something regularly can mean your chances are greater that you find your people. Going to the same place such as the golf course, playing golf together, and enjoying a drink while possibly recognizing that having an empty nest isn’t the end of the world, could just be the tie that binds. 

But it does mean that you have to leave your house to do it. I know. Adulting is hard. 

Whatever your interests, if you’re looking to build your number of friends, maybe it’s time to try something new. It also doesn’t hurt to start noticing the people you encounter frequently. Perhaps your energy is pushing you toward them for a reason. Maybe they’re your people and it’s time you took notice. 

As a huge fan of how authentic Mel Robbins seems, this is advice that simply makes sense.